Pop Goes The Swede

I’m reaching an age when my biological clock is beginning to tick. I don’t have the financial wherewithal to respond to its call and I’m not sure I would even if I did. My stance on breeding is that there are enough ecological rapists in the world; I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. Hats off to those who have babies because without you humanity wouldn’t have a future.

Recently, some of my detractors, citizens of a once colonized nation whose government is now offering financial incentives for couples to conceive, asked me who would take care of me in my retirement years. Isn’t that a selfish reason to repopulate? Besides, there’s no guarantee that feeding someone for twenty years will make them feel any sense of obligation to you.

A wee little one by whom I would attempt to do right might instill me with a sense of purpose but the truth is the doldrums of my childhood soured me against conventional family life.

If I were to have a child, God help it, I would be tempted not to reinforce stereotypical gender roles. There would be no Barbies or G.I. Joes in the house and though I love them, there would be no fairy tales either. I would clothe my child in gender-neutral, traffic light colours such as yellow and green and red and allow their tresses to grow long and Mormonesque, just like Céline has done with her little gender bender. By doing this, I would hope against hope that my child, my beloved Orlando, would turn out to be a progressive human being, a free spirit in the purest form. Orlando would learn to relate to the world as a person first and not as a pretty girl or a strong boy. S/he would learn to make hir own decisions vis-à-vis gender identity, society be damned.

To my chagrin, I discovered this thinking is not as radical as I had initially believed. A Swedish couple actually beat me to the punch and is currently raising a genderless child known as Pop (Sweden, go figure). * I realize such parenting, although well intended, might border on abuse; a child raised such as this is destined to become a best-selling author at the very least, not to mention the main attraction of multiple television specials and autograph sideshows at local malls throughout the land.

While I like that my genderless child would astound and perplex the masses, I’m not sure I would want to force hirm to face the loaded existential question of “What are you?” on the school playground. How does one answer such a query without the benefit of gender stereotyping? Other people’s children can be so cruel, so bullish, so obtuse and so narrowly defined.

Age six would be the logical time for the child to realize hirs biological identity and would thus be allowed to use gender specific washroom and change room facilities. By that time my good work will already have been done and no one can take that away from me. At long last, my little one will help me conquer the normative Alphas of the world, and that’s definitely worth two decades of room and board in my book.

*http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/

The Year Of The Tiger, The Thrill Of The Fight

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright

In the forests if the night

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

-William Blake, Songs of Experience

The Year of the White Tiger is upon us and it does not bode well for Jennykins, Tiger’s opposite, the Monkey. Call me flaky, but I decided to consult Chinese astrology to see what it had to say about this year in my cycle of change. This year promises radical change, instability and social upheaval. I am fearful and skeptical of this change though I need it desperately. I’ve reached the end of another 3-year cycle, a time when changing my life is essential. Something’s gotta give. The last change came three years ago when a crisis of faith prompted my decision to teach. The change before that came six years ago when I transitioned from student to quarterlife crisis in a four-month anxiety-riddled smokefest.

From what I could glean from the many Chinglish websites,* the metal Monkey’s cleverness, skill and creativity will help me out of whatever jams I’m going to get into. “Monkey will lose something old while at the same time gain something new.” Sounds like a marriage superstition. What of the borrowed and the blue? I’ll be revisited by past problems and I’ll need to deal with them immediately. TAXES!!! Backlog? And how! One website suggested if I engage in water sports, I risk becoming paraplegic. Good grief! Monkey is destined to spend a lot of time travelling—World Tour 2010!!!— the first bit of good news I’ve heard about the next twelve months so far. Eventually, however, my reputation will suffer and my ambitions will be temporarily disrupted. Jenny Donkey is staying clear of the Atlantic Coast of Costa Rica this year in an effort to abstain from sex tourism.

Tiger is said to thwart fire, thieves and ghosts. This is good news since I don’t have content insurance at the time of this writing. For some reason, the mere smell of fire evokes feelings of guilt deep in the pit of my stomach. I’m convinced I was an arsonist in a past life. Or a burn victim. And though I have nothing of value to steal, I worry because my upstairs neighbour has a tendency to leave the front door open. At these times, I could sure use Tiger’s power to foil the band of marauding skags indigenous to my beloved neighbourhood who would spirit up to my unit and bereave me of all my coveted kitsch. As for ghosts, I’ve had plenty, but I’m currently being haunted by the spirit of my twelve-year-old self. It’s a downright possession and girlfriend needs to take her tweenage shyness, awkwardness and lack of hair product awareness back to middle school quickly before I sick Tiger on her.

The take home message is for me to work on what I’m already doing rather than venturing into the unknown. How boring. So while other astrological signs suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I’ll be sitting home on Saturday nights balancing the chequebook and watching the Platonic shadow puppets dance on the wall. Good times!

Kung Hei Fat Choy everyone! Good luck. I really mean that. Now let’s hug it out.

* Find Your Love Today! And make happy someone special … orientbrides.com

Even Donkeys Come Of Age

Of all the days to come into my apartment to fix the leaky bathtub faucet, my landlord picked the day after I cleaned the shit out of the place. What are the odds? The last vestige of dirtbaggery lies in my kitchen sink, a mountain of dishes that refuse to clean themselves. Jenny Donkey’s secret to appearing adult is to invite people over and clean for them. Even if they cancel on you, at least you’ll no longer have mold in the cracks.

So Happy New Year already (eighteen days late)! My motto for 2010 (which I’m pronouncing twenty-ten and so should you): Going with the flow. So far, it’s worked out great. At the moment, I’m heating the apartment with the stove and taking time outs from writing this to stand in front of my open oven to melt the icicles from my fingers. The fridge makes noise because it doesn’t close properly and until this afternoon, the bathtub faucet leaked. Last week, a mouse crawled to its death along my living room floor while I was confirming plans online. I had my back to this grandiose death procession the whole time. But I’m just taking everything in stride and going with the flow because that’s been my motto since 2010.

Recently, I was talking with an old friend (same birth year) who had just returned from travelling and I noted how manly and philosophical he was becoming. Listening to him talk about his experience struck a chord in me and I’ve decided not to downplay my own spiritual metamorphosis. I’ve begun the count down to my adulthood having just passed the half way mark between twenty-nine and thirty (which I’m pronouncing twenty-ten and so should you). I’ve noticed subtle changes since I moved above ground and purchased the European Vacation. My taste in food, clothing and furniture is different. I’m eating better and I’ve steered clear of the food items on my list of banned substances. * Though I can still get down with a hoodie, nothing churns my butter quite like power shoulders and pencil skirts. On nights at home, I fantasize about purchasing an antique wooden cabinet in which to display deco kitsch figurines and liquor in abundant supply. The time has come for Jenny Donkey to come of age!

Perhaps it’s no coincidence that the first dress-up and dance party of 2010, the official Year of the Dress-up and Dance Party, was a time-themed dance party at my favourite Finnish sweat lodge, where David Carradine and Lady Godiva’s son guards the portal. Mel and I tore up the floor as the decades rolled by. By the mid-90s, I was ready for a break. A nagging, time-conscious voice reminded me that I was running out of time, that the night was ending and by extension, so was my life. Just as quickly, my Dionysian counterpart plied my neuroses with alcohol but was no less disconcerted after overhearing a dance fellow comment that the current song was so grade 7 when in reality it was so second year university. What’s worse for me was a visit from Jenny Old Bones, a malevolent spirit that inhabits my body for days after I fail to stretch before shaking my shimmy. My paralysis was so bad I had to stop wearing long johns. Good thing the weather is so mild for this time of year.

There it is again: time. By my estimation, I’ve got just over five months to prove that this decade wasn’t a total bust. Perhaps I should go swimming in a bowl of alphabet soup (GIC, RSP, LLB). Perhaps I should start lying about my age. Perhaps I should finally get out of my own way and get things done. One thing’s for sure. I’m not getting any younger.

*With one exception involving a giant milk chocolate Toblerone bar. It was a Christmas gift. Leave me alone.

Appendix I

List of banned substances:

1. Refined sugar in anything not homemade.

2. Prepared food from the freezer section of the grocery store

3. Milk- or espresso-based drinks made with syrup or from powder

4. Anything with ingredients greater than four syllables in length

5. Beer

6. Reddish meat

Septuagenarian Musk Is A Legitimate Deal Breaker, Right?

The following is my most recent shut-it-down message. I’m going straight to hell. This I know.

Mr.___________,

Thank you for an enjoyable skate and a pleasant evening in general. You are a very nice person but, unfortunately, I don't feel a romantic spark with you. All the best in your quest for "the one".

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Shoulda said:

Mr. Not-What-I-Was-Expecting-At-All,

It was a good skate, especially the times when you left me to skate by yourself. I spent the entire afternoon psyching myself up to be Dean Martin for what? You are a social disaster and when I got home I wikied “Asperger’s” and it came up you. You have the musky aroma of a male septuagenarian and I noticed it within the first 15 seconds of meeting. You shared the most tedious information about yourself and I zoned out a few times on the walk to the rink. You did not stop talking about yourself and when I tried to volunteer information about myself, you talked over me. It was a fight to be heard. At the restaurant, you let me overpay and then left a shoddy, 8% tip. I have no forgiveness in my heart for such disregard, a symptom of Asperger’s, by the way.

Pity would be the only reason to go out with you again but, unfortunately, that ship has long sailed.

All the best in your quest for “the one”, D&D cowboy! May you find someone with a dull nasal palate and her own bindle of social disorders.

Cheerio! See you never,

Jennifer

The Hits and Misses of Christmas Past

The following is a hit and miss list of gifts and experiences from Christmases of yore. Enjoy!

1983

HIT—E.T. Phone. Yes, guy!

1985

HIT—A handcrafted Cabbage Patch Doll bunk bed from the Would-Have-Been Stepfather. It was so amazing I wanted to sleep in it—fuck the dolls!

MISS—A lump of coal. I was devastated because I prided myself on being one of the most well behaved people at school and daycare alike. Mom and the Would-Have-Been had a good chuckle. God bless my sensitive heart.

1986

HIT—Duplicate Barbie Dream Beds, one for each parent’s house. The commercial sold me a bill of goods, however. Here I thought Barbie’s dreams would show up on the back of the pillow just like on TV. Damn that trick black lighting.

MISS—Jenny Donkey: “Why is Grama crying?” Melodie: “This could be her last Christmas with us.” She celebrated 21 more Christmases.

1987

HIT—A Jill doll. She was anthropomorphic and finding her sleeping in my bed on Christmas afternoon was a little unsettling. Jill was more expensive than her rival, Cricket, even though Cricket was more popular among my cohort. One major difference was that Cricket played cassettes. Jill didn’t. She played special Jill cartridges that played in nothing else.

MISS—Losing the English cartridge. Lucky for me, Jill came with a back-up French cartridge. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand a word she said so I had to go by memory of the English version and speak when she commanded me to. “Est-ce que tu veux entendre une histoire?” YES!!! I was pleased to discover that she had an arsenal of two stories in her programming. She never told the story I wanted to hear, but at the heartbreaking point of disc loss, it didn’t matter much.

Pre-Christmas 1990

HIT—Ryan and I were bickering late one December night, as was our habit, and our Christmas tree fell over for the nth time that night. A very frazzled and frustrated Mims stood the tree up again, it fell over, she picked it up and screamed at us to shut up as she threw the tree into the wall over and over, decorations and all. We stopped fighting immediately, my brother out of fear, me to stifle laughter.

HIT—An electronic dictionary, thesaurus and word descrambler courtesy of Mims. It did not take standard batteries and I loved it until its convenience expired years later.

1991

HIT—A tape player. That was the day I began making mix tapes. Tarzan Dan, yes!

1992

HIT—Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell on cassette. Who? “It’s going to come back,” my father assured me. “It’s in that new movie with Steve Martin.” “Leap of Faith?” Leap of Faith was in theatres for a fortnight if I remember correctly. Meat Loaf did make a comeback but it took 9 months for Papa’s assertion to come true. Today, Bat Out of Hell is in my top 10 and I can still sing the song of the same title verbatim, complete with motorcycle sound effects.

MISS—A Chia Pet. Hilarious because that was one of my nicknames at school. Thanks, Dad. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go iron my curls.

1993

MISS—Waiting for Godot. Dad came a-calling at Mims’s, four hours after he said he’d pick me up, and dropped me in a cab that steeded us home. We (read: I) wrapped the cousins’ gifts while the cab waited in the driveway. We hustled/had a few more drinks and made our way to Mississauga via the waiting cab. “What’s yer name,” Uncle Al asked the driver. “Ram,” the driver answered. “Rum? Did you say yer name was Rum?!” “Yes, Ram.” “What a coincidence!” Papa exclaimed. “That’s what I drink!” We finally arrived, $70 later and about three hours overdue. The extended family had eaten but they fixed us a plate. The food was dry but I don’t think timeliness would have changed that. Dad and I celebrated Christmas the day after. He dragged himself out of bed in the early afternoon at which time he wrapped my gifts while I watched Christmas movies on TMN. Oh, fealty!

1996

HIT—Smoking hash BTs with the cousins. We went to the park and Shaun tied me into a box of silence and I got the fear pretty fierce. I didn’t let on. Shaun proceeded to throw up in the sandbox after smoking a cigarette. Turns out the spirit of Christmas exacted revenge on my behalf. I suggested to Mel that I might be too high to keep my shit together if I received a singing card from Grama. She loved her singing cards. Sure enough, my rubber fingers unwrapped a singing card and I exchanged a glassy eyed look with Mel who was sitting across the room. She too got a singing card. We always received the same thing for Christmas. We also received earmuffs I thought were the most ridiculous things I’d ever seen. I put them on for gags and I’ve been wearing them every winter since.

2000

MISS—Not being able to chew properly because of recent oral surgery.

2002

HIT—Hacking the shit out of the base of my tree my first Christmas on my own. I didn’t have an axe and chopped the fucker to fit in my living room with a meat cleaver. It’s a wonder I got it to stand in the tree stand on it’s own. I didn’t have to tie it to the wall like we used to do at Cayuga.

2004

MISS—Coaxing Papa off the floor of the guest bedroom at Mims’s house. I interrupted his one-man scream fest, managed to get him off the floor but not before I removed all breakables from the bedside table. Coaching him to remove his street clothes and don his pajamas through closed door was a challenge but I managed to do it.

HIT—The immortalization of the ignominious line, “She still loves me!”

2006

HIT—A 13” Pennywise the Dancing Clown figurine. A labour of love from me to someone special.

2009

HIT—Singing 1970s arena rock songs by Journey, Meat Loaf, Bruce Springsteen, Cheap Trick and Queen in the bathroom with Mary. “The screen door slams, Mary’s dress waves. Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays Roy Orbison singing for the lonely, hey that’s me and I want you only. Don’t turn me home again I just can’t face myself alone again.”

General HITS: socks, Toblerone, vodka, TV on DVD, pajamas, baking, the smell of the tree

General MISSES: 4-hour train rides, clothing that’s bigger than XS, medium-stiff toothbrushes, Starbucks gift certificates

Monday’s Child Is Full of Rage

Monday's Child

Author: Unknown

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child must work for a living,

But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,

Is fair and wise and good and gay.

I don’t mind Monday as I know others do. Maybe that’s because I was born on a Monday. Swimming lessons used to be on Monday evenings and I used to love going. Dad and I would get home around 6pm which would leave us just enough time to have Lipton’s Alligator chicken noodle soup and bus up to the community centre. Because I loved school so much, Monday was a return to the passion and stimulation I couldn’t extract from the movies that baby-sat me on weekends.

According to the poem, Monday’s child is fair of face. While that may be true, if I could rewrite the poem to reflect my personality, I would start it Monday’s child is full of rage. I am. The smallest things set me off: they run the gamut from the irregularity of public transit to crowds, Facebook, negligent motorists and cyclists, people who don’t tip and s-l-o-w walkers.

I do a good job of keeping my rage under wraps most of the time but there are days when I just want to unleash the beast. I am not violent: my words are my weapons but on days the rage bubbles to the surface, I thank the stars I live alone with no one and nothing to kick or punch. However, I don’t think letting the rage simmer is healthy. I recently watched The Brood, a classic tale about psychological experimentation and the manifestation of rage. In this film, an angry woman, Nola, spawns featureless albino rage babies to wreak havoc on those people who have wronged her at some point. Included on Nola’s hit list are her mother, her estranged husband and her daughter. I identify with the distressed woman and would, if I could, spawn my own loving brood I could then lick clean of amniotic fluid (see film’s climax) and release into the world. Unfortunately, this is too fantastical to accomplish. Alas, I need an outlet.

The universe has recently sent a few options my way. Several of my new cyberpals, submissive men who want to be dominated, have messaged me on a dating website asking to be punished and humiliated. This outlet for my rage, though expertly timed and painfully convenient, seems a bit like a monkey’s paw. My fear is that once roused, my Ms. Hyde will then take over my consciousness and I will be doomed to skulk the earth as a whip-wielding thrasher hell bent on punishing these soft, psychologically damaged puppy dog men.

My compassion for the meek and my disdain for the arrogant and insufferable have prevented me from taking anyone up on their generous offers thus far. I’m not sure how long I can hold out. I do so love the look, feel and smell of leather and it, in turn, becomes me.

The Iceperson Cometh

This is my favourite time of year. I love the smell of late October, of leaves decaying and the promise, even though I am no longer a child, that soon my sweet tooth will be sated with an abundance of candy from friendly strangers. To me, Halloween is more than just a wanton display of slutdom in a Sexy (insert noun here) costume or the drunken and unapologetic pursuit of sexual gratification. It is my Christmas and I am not alone in feeling this way. But like the child who is surrounded by the carnage of unwrapped landfill on Christmas afternoon, I dread the monotony and malaise that accompanies the rest of winter.

As I watch nature blaze around me in a polychromatic blend of redorangeyellow, I can’t help but think of the entreaty of Mr. Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night. As 2009 enters the mid-autumn of her existence, the time has come for her to burn and rave at close of day. In reverence of her, I intend to rock Halloween like a hurricane. Meanwhile, the impending winter nips at my heel like an untrained bourgeois house pet, taunting me about the fact that I don’t have anyone to hibernate with.

I appreciate that I am not the friendliest person. With limited cultivated interests and hobbies, it is difficult for me to meet people I have much in common with. I am severely lacking in cyberskill and the thought of online dating conjures images of lovelorn media geeks frittering their lives away on avatars, alternate universes and Trekathons. I should just get over myself. My friend Tracy assures me online dating is a numbers game. However, given her track record and the record of so many before her, a parade of unsuitable, unstable and emotionally irresponsible Messrs. Right Now sounds about as appealing as a bus tour through Western Canada with a cannibalistic seatmate.

I suppose that I have kept my wants and needs hidden from myself for a long time. What better place is there, I ask you, dear friends, but the public domain to expose a little bit of my soul? You can’t reap what you don’t sow, right Universe? So here it is, stripped bare, my shortlist. I am looking for someone who is active and does not tire easily. He must be possessed of a sharp wit, a refined sense of gallows humour and an appreciation for the macabre. He should be spicy and sweet (like me) and doting without being overbearing. Above all, he should be forthcoming and never keep me guessing about his motives or intentions. In return, he can expect loyalty, warmth, sparkling conversation and tons of affection. While I may be a battering ram of outspokenness to the thin-skinned, I am refreshingly candid to those who don’t care to have their words minced. And of course, I am frickin’ hi-LAR-ious.

So hopefully the Universe, a trickster of epic proportions who loves testing my reserve, will respond to this post by sending me a cosmic sign and soon. It gets dark outside too early these days and my hands are so cold. Have I mentioned that I make a mean fried chicken dinner?