HIT—E.T. Phone. Yes, guy!
1985
HIT—A handcrafted Cabbage Patch Doll bunk bed from the Would-Have-Been Stepfather. It was so amazing I wanted to sleep in it—fuck the dolls!
MISS—A lump of coal. I was devastated because I prided myself on being one of the most well behaved people at school and daycare alike. Mom and the Would-Have-Been had a good chuckle. God bless my sensitive heart.
1986
HIT—Duplicate Barbie Dream Beds, one for each parent’s house. The commercial sold me a bill of goods, however. Here I thought Barbie’s dreams would show up on the back of the pillow just like on TV. Damn that trick black lighting.
MISS—Jenny Donkey: “Why is Grama crying?” Melodie: “This could be her last Christmas with us.” She celebrated 21 more Christmases.
1987
HIT—A Jill doll. She was anthropomorphic and finding her sleeping in my bed on Christmas afternoon was a little unsettling. Jill was more expensive than her rival, Cricket, even though Cricket was more popular among my cohort. One major difference was that Cricket played cassettes. Jill didn’t. She played special Jill cartridges that played in nothing else.
MISS—Losing the English cartridge. Lucky for me, Jill came with a back-up French cartridge. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand a word she said so I had to go by memory of the English version and speak when she commanded me to. “Est-ce que tu veux entendre une histoire?” YES!!! I was pleased to discover that she had an arsenal of two stories in her programming. She never told the story I wanted to hear, but at the heartbreaking point of disc loss, it didn’t matter much.
Pre-Christmas 1990
HIT—Ryan and I were bickering late one December night, as was our habit, and our Christmas tree fell over for the nth time that night. A very frazzled and frustrated Mims stood the tree up again, it fell over, she picked it up and screamed at us to shut up as she threw the tree into the wall over and over, decorations and all. We stopped fighting immediately, my brother out of fear, me to stifle laughter.
HIT—An electronic dictionary, thesaurus and word descrambler courtesy of Mims. It did not take standard batteries and I loved it until its convenience expired years later.
1991
HIT—A tape player. That was the day I began making mix tapes. Tarzan Dan, yes!
1992
HIT—Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell on cassette. Who? “It’s going to come back,” my father assured me. “It’s in that new movie with Steve Martin.” “Leap of Faith?” Leap of Faith was in theatres for a fortnight if I remember correctly. Meat Loaf did make a comeback but it took 9 months for Papa’s assertion to come true. Today, Bat Out of Hell is in my top 10 and I can still sing the song of the same title verbatim, complete with motorcycle sound effects.
MISS—A Chia Pet. Hilarious because that was one of my nicknames at school. Thanks, Dad. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go iron my curls.
1993
MISS—Waiting for Godot. Dad came a-calling at Mims’s, four hours after he said he’d pick me up, and dropped me in a cab that steeded us home. We (read: I) wrapped the cousins’ gifts while the cab waited in the driveway. We hustled/had a few more drinks and made our way to Mississauga via the waiting cab. “What’s yer name,” Uncle Al asked the driver. “Ram,” the driver answered. “Rum? Did you say yer name was Rum?!” “Yes, Ram.” “What a coincidence!” Papa exclaimed. “That’s what I drink!” We finally arrived, $70 later and about three hours overdue. The extended family had eaten but they fixed us a plate. The food was dry but I don’t think timeliness would have changed that. Dad and I celebrated Christmas the day after. He dragged himself out of bed in the early afternoon at which time he wrapped my gifts while I watched Christmas movies on TMN. Oh, fealty!
1996
HIT—Smoking hash BTs with the cousins. We went to the park and Shaun tied me into a box of silence and I got the fear pretty fierce. I didn’t let on. Shaun proceeded to throw up in the sandbox after smoking a cigarette. Turns out the spirit of Christmas exacted revenge on my behalf. I suggested to Mel that I might be too high to keep my shit together if I received a singing card from Grama. She loved her singing cards. Sure enough, my rubber fingers unwrapped a singing card and I exchanged a glassy eyed look with Mel who was sitting across the room. She too got a singing card. We always received the same thing for Christmas. We also received earmuffs I thought were the most ridiculous things I’d ever seen. I put them on for gags and I’ve been wearing them every winter since.
2000
MISS—Not being able to chew properly because of recent oral surgery.
2002
HIT—Hacking the shit out of the base of my tree my first Christmas on my own. I didn’t have an axe and chopped the fucker to fit in my living room with a meat cleaver. It’s a wonder I got it to stand in the tree stand on it’s own. I didn’t have to tie it to the wall like we used to do at Cayuga.
2004
MISS—Coaxing Papa off the floor of the guest bedroom at Mims’s house. I interrupted his one-man scream fest, managed to get him off the floor but not before I removed all breakables from the bedside table. Coaching him to remove his street clothes and don his pajamas through closed door was a challenge but I managed to do it.
HIT—The immortalization of the ignominious line, “She still loves me!”
2006
HIT—A 13” Pennywise the Dancing Clown figurine. A labour of love from me to someone special.
2009
HIT—Singing 1970s arena rock songs by Journey, Meat Loaf, Bruce Springsteen, Cheap Trick and Queen in the bathroom with Mary. “The screen door slams, Mary’s dress waves. Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays Roy Orbison singing for the lonely, hey that’s me and I want you only. Don’t turn me home again I just can’t face myself alone again.”
General HITS: socks, Toblerone, vodka, TV on DVD, pajamas, baking, the smell of the tree
General MISSES: 4-hour train rides, clothing that’s bigger than XS, medium-stiff toothbrushes, Starbucks gift certificates
