(these are some of my favourite updates of 2010, culled for my enjoyment)
Home
-Who needs birth control when you've got the Duff Mall?
-is racing against time to conceal evidence of her hermetic dirtbaggery.
-Sleep, you are far less riveting than the road flares and sting operation just up the street.
-The sun is shining, the air smells greenish and the sidewalk waterers are in fine form this morning in Azores West. Happy Imperial Day everyone!
-Impromptu Skag fight! (these are my favourite!)
Her: I'm the one who pays the m-f-ing rent!
Him: Yeah, but I'm the one who's in control the whole time!
Her: If I had a gun right now I'd blast your ass!
Him: Why you gotta talk like that?!
-lives almost exclusively in her head. It might be time to move.
-The clinking of bottles outside my window is the musical accompaniment to Garbage Night in Skagsville.
-Skag fights on bikes and then, "I need a pipe!"
-'s kitchen sink is THE romantic hot spot for the local fruit fly population.
-My eye started dripping uncontrollably earlier this evening at the Parkdale library while I was filling out a volunteer application form. Foreshadowing?
-helps teens with their homework in exchange for stories of crime in Skagsville.
-The undercover po, who look unmistakably like po, are mining for rock on my street while the noise of Queen Street traffic is impeding my ability to discern this skag's testimony.
Some words:
... don't have ...
... phone number?
... FUCK!
... swallowed?
I can show you the bag I got it from.
-A broken bottle of Molson Stock Ale and a flock of pigeons feasting on a puddle of vomit. Such are the accoutrements of a Friday morning in Skagsville!
Work
-The child who owned that time is happiness exactly. --Chinglish proverb
-"Pets mess the recycle and leave special swelling at everywhere." Chinglish conjecture on why pets should not be treated like family members.
-and the TOEFL iBT inadvertently tag teamed a delicate Japanese student to the point of tears. The day is now complete. Whoomp! There it is!
-No sense of irony but a whole lotta Seoul.
-Jennifer: Blah blah Neanderthals. Blah blah Homo Sapiens.
Student: That's not mentioned in our holy book, so I can't believe it.
Jennifer: Is carbon dating mentioned in your holy book?
Student: Yes.
(awkward silence)
Jennifer: Moving on ...
-called in sick for shift #1 citing exhaustion and the inability to face the spectrum of autism.
-Jennifer: Your homework is to go home and research biological determinism and report back tomorrow on how it can be dangerous.
Translation: Your worldview is dangerously akin to that of the Third Reich.
-(an hour into today’s class)
Me: Kang, thank you for joining us at 5:10. What did we talk about yesterday?
Kang: Phrasal verbs.
Me: Yes, that's true. We also talked about you coming to class on time.
Pause.
Kang: I love you.
Politics
-is the woodsman.
-, Idealist
-is walking softly softly.
-is a stout little despot.
-has always been curious to see what a $1B show looks like. Tear gas and sound cannons and sweeping police power? Giddy up!
-Media coverage of peaceful protest doesn't sell as much Lysol as anarchy and terrorism do.
-would follow Charlie Veitch like a rat to the edge of the River Hamelin just to hear him pipe.
-What I lack in diplomacy I make up for in passive aggressiveness!
-Just like a drunken frat boy after hearing the second "NO", the Toronto Rag (a.k.a. Sun) forcefully pushes its agenda (re: today's headline)
No offense to sober, non-rapey frat boys. http://www.torontosun.com/
cover/
-... and now a squealing pig takes his throne as the mayor of Hogtown.
Life
-is dancing at ground zero of an American Idol explosion!
-Kafkaesque experiences on offer at Hua-Sheng Supermarket, Chinatown.
-Obeah woman put a hoodoo curse on me near Lansdowne station. The curse and I are now on a wait-and-see basis.
-late-night and erudite
-, outer of and counselor to all the baby 'mos on the dance floor, so my friends tell me.
-: Cockblock Extraordinaire!
-Elusive is the new ubiquitous.
-'s purse is chock-full of the stuff after school specials are made of.
-is having a fireside chat with the teenager inside.
-can't decide what's more dangerous: oxycotin, oxytocin or dyslexia.
-Vampire by night, zombie by day.
-looks forward to being someone's second wife.
-Trying to figure out which of my gay beards suits this outfit best.
-Every time I see a man in uniform I want to talk him out of it ;)
-walked the tightrope tonight between Nuit Blanche and Ennui Blanche.
-prefers the 3am booty call to be dressed up like a Holt Renfrew display window and NOT like a derelict appliance shop on the wrong side of town.
-Waiting in the dentist's reception at Yonge and Davisville wondering what's more likely to bleed first, my gums or my nose at this altitude!
-woke up in an overcoat, a necklace and not much else. What kind of crazy Rolling Stones groupie party was that?! Oh. My. God bless the rescue team whose timeliness prevented my humiliation from becoming abject mortification. Open bar=killer
